“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” Brene Brown
Perfectionism involves the setting of extremely high and unrelenting standards for yourself. Perfectionism needs to be differentiated from the striving for excellence, which is the desire to do one’s best rather than achieve the unobtainable. Perfectionists judge their self worth based on the achievement of these high standards. The belief of a perfectionist is: “unless I am perfect, I am not OK.” At the core of perfectionism is the fear of making mistakes resulting in a decreased sense of self worth.
Perfectionists tend to judge themselves harshly and have an intensely negative inner critic. They have an extreme view of success and failure often engaging in black and white thinking . These beliefs cause distorted thinking such as, “without my drive to do my best, I’ll do my worst. “ As a perfectionist I put unreasonable demands on myself which resulted in a range of negative emotions including anxiety, depression, and shame. I sought relief from these intense, uncomfortable emotions through my addiction.
Perfectionists often engage in unhealthy behaviors to meet these self imposed high standards. These include procrastination, avoidance, paralysis and checking and correcting work repeatedly. Unfortunately, these behaviors are time consuming and stress inducing. People suffer from perfectionism because it is exhausting.
On the surface perfectionists, look as if they have everything together, while internally they experience significant stress and turmoil. Since, others often can’t detect this stress and perfectionists have a hard time acknowledging their vulnerabilities, they often don’t get the help that they need. One of the most difficult things for a perfectionist is admitting that they have a problem. As a former perfectionist, I was excellent at presenting a façade of “I’ve got it all taken care of,” while internally I was struggling.
To overcome perfectionism, we need to first acknowledge its costs. We need to shift out of the perfectionistic mindset that is so addictive. We need to acknowledge that perfectionism results in the neglect of our own wellbeing and health. It has significant negative effects on our mental well being including anxiety, depression and exhaustion. Seeking treatment is an important and brave choice. Through support, you can learn to let go of your perfectionistic standards that are no longer serving you. Inevitably, this will result in fear and doubt that can be addressed through a variety of techniques including acceptance, mindfulness, emotion regulation and cognitive therapy. I can attest to the truth that freedom from perfectionism is possible and life changing.
